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Why Can't I Get Published?

Well-your writing might suck.
But let's just assume it doesn't. You have written the greatest book ever, a literary masterpiece that would give Dickens an insecurity complex, but for some reason you've received enough rejection slips, cards, and e-mails to wallpaper the Sistine Chapel. Including the ceiling.
Okay. Most writing gurus or New York Times bestselling authors will comfort you by saying, "Hang in there. Keep writing. Persistence pays off for those that keep writing and submitting. You have to crawl before you can walk."
Baloney. You have about as much chance of being legitimately published as you do getting hit by lightning - twice.
It's like the PGA tour. There are only 125 golfers on the tour and these are the guys that not only have extraordinary God given talent but have been playing golf since they were two-years-old. They are the elite and the same goes for authors. Why do you think so many self-publish? That's right, because nobody wants to read your crap.
These top ten writers you follow and worship were the nerds that went to school with you and spent all their time reading while you were riding your skateboard and showing off your Pet Rock to the other potheads. It's too late to develop a vocabulary. If I looked up every word in a Nabokov book that I didn't understand, I'd never finish the damn thing.
You may say I'm trying to discourage you from writing in order to have less competition for myself and you would be absolutely correct. As Norm says, "It's a dog eat dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." I'm not sure what that has to do with anything but it's funny.
I'll talk about two of the ways to get published in the next blog: the query letter and pitches at conferences.
Just a teaser-- Literary agents are a cross between a realtor and a personal injury lawyer so you can guess how pleasant they are to pitch a 100,000 word novel about a cat who solves murders. Not my book, thank God.
So, since no one will probably ever read this post I will go to the library tomorrow... What's that? A library? Those are the places with those paper things on the shelves near the CDs, DVDs and computers. Anyway, I'll go to the library and get on a computer and post a reply to this blog pretending I'm someone else. That will be cool.
I'll leave you with the question of the day ---  Why are only women called the opposite sex?
And a deep thought of the day --- Smart phones allow women to eat alone in a restaurant.
Keep not writing.


  1. I am at the library but I am not the author of the blog but a complete stranger who thinks you are a genius


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