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Showing posts from November, 2012

When Is a Novel a Novel?

I've written six novels though none have been published and may never be published. Who knows what that great and evil publishing god has in store for us? Now, here's the problem. Is it a book if it's not published and what does one define as published?

At a recent writer's conference the literary agent asked me the standard question of me:

"What have you written?"

I said, "Six novels, 250 short stories, magazine articles, etc. etc."

And she said: "Are the novels published?"

My answer: "No."

Her smart-ass reproof: "Well then, they're not novels then, are they? To be a novel it must be a tangible book with an ISBN number and front and back covers."

My smart-ass comeback: "So if I write some tripe and self-publish, you'd consider that a novel?"

Her bored reply: "Yes. If it has an ISBN number, pages, and covers, it's a novel."

Like Peter Griffin said, "That really grinds my gears."…


These are translations of conversations. The first part is what they actually said, while the translation part is what they actually meant.

Husband and Wife:
Him: Are you going shopping tomorrow?
Translation: I want to play golf.

Her: No, I thought it’d be nice if we spent the day together.
Translation: You want to play golf.

Him: Oh.
Translation: Damn.

Her: I heard there’s a good movie on at the mall.
Translation: Three hours for the movie, then a walk around the mall, then dinner, some place nice for a change.

Him: I told the guys I might be busy.
Translation: I want to play golf.

Her: Good. They can get by without you one time.
Translation: You play every damn Saturday!

Him: Although they did book a tee time for four already.
Translation: I want to play golf.

Her: If you really want to go, then go.
Translation: I know the divorce laws in Florida.

Him: No, that’s okay. I’d rather spend the day with you.
Translation: Maybe I could get the guys to change the tee time to Sunday.

Dog and Master:
Dog: Woof

My White Trash Picture Learnin' Book

I was thinking about writing an irreverent picture book. Here's the start of it. I would appreciate any comments, threats, suggestions, thoughts.  Thanks to both of you readers ahead of time. John

By Karrielynn Jackson This is my White Trash Picture Learnin' Book and I am six and I have two brothers and 1 sister and none of 'em knowd as much as me. Cipherin' There are 4 things on the kitchen counter an one of  'em is dead. The others you kin eat. If Becky et one and Joshua et another, and the dead one is still dead, how many do you got left? Answer: One-that ain't dead. Animal Sounds Neighbor's dogs go Bark, Bark, Bark and don't never goddamn shut up. Cats go Purr, Purr, Purr 'cept when your daddy throwd them off a bridge in a pillowcase. Armadillers are for hittin' with the truck and don't say nothin'. Hogs squeal Oink, Oink, Oink and r hard as hell to trap. Fun Facts If you hang meat from a rope an…