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These are translations of conversations. The first part is what they actually said, while the translation part is what they actually meant.

Husband and Wife:

Him: Are you going shopping tomorrow?

Translation: I want to play golf.

Her: No, I thought it’d be nice if we spent the day together.

Translation: You want to play golf.

Him: Oh.

Translation: Damn.

Her: I heard there’s a good movie on at the mall.

Translation: Three hours for the movie, then a walk around the mall, then dinner, some place nice for a change.

Him: I told the guys I might be busy.

Translation: I want to play golf.

Her: Good. They can get by without you one time.

Translation: You play every damn Saturday!

Him: Although they did book a tee time for four already.

Translation: I want to play golf.

Her: If you really want to go, then go.

Translation: I know the divorce laws in Florida.

Him: No, that’s okay. I’d rather spend the day with you.

Translation: Maybe I could get the guys to change the tee time to Sunday.

Dog and Master:

Dog: Woof

Translation: I want food and I want to go outside and poop.

Master: How’s my puppy? You hungry, boy? You hungry? Puppy boy hungry?

Translation: Same.

Dog: Woof

Translation: I want food, and I want to go outside and poop, and I want to go without a leash and chase every animal I see.

Master: That’s a good boy. That’s a good boy. You like it when I scratch behind your ears, don’t you boy? Good boy. Good Puppy Wuppy.

Translation: Same.

Dog: Woof

Translation: Oh yes, that’s it. Right there. I love it. God help me, I love it.

Old Man and Young Cashier:

Old Man: I have coupons for some of those items.

Translation: If the store didn’t charge so much, they wouldn’t need coupons.

Young Cashier: Oh, yes, sir. I’ll deduct them at the end.

Translation: You could have told me at the beginning.

Old Man: Put back one of the tuna fish. I’m not sure I have enough money.

Translation: We haven’t had a Social Security cost-of-living increase in four years thanks to those politicians you kids voted in.

Young Cashier: Yes, sir.

Translation: They have a new innovation called credit cards. Check it out with your friends at the home sometime when you get a chance.

Old Man: What’s the damage?

Translation: What are you robbers overcharging me for the groceries?

Young Cashier: Eighteen forty two.

Translation: Ironically, the amount shown on the display screen right in front of you, if you would just look!

Old Man: Why, when I was your age the cashier had to figure out the change by herself. No machine did it for her.

Translation: My generation was smarter.

Young Cashier: Yes, it’s a lot easier nowadays.

Translation: Did they even have money when you were my age?


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Please visit my new website:
Play some chess against a computer on the site and listen to some classical music.
Sign up on the site to receive news of new books or events.
I won't sell your e-mail and I won't send you spam. Scout's honor.
I'll also be moving this blog there as soon as I can figure out how visitors can comment on it.
Also, my story The Adventure of the Nine Hole League was published in the Sherlock Holmes Mystery Magazine #13