Friday, January 6, 2012

How to write like James Patterson

Who wouldn't want to be James Patterson. He's written a million novels, lights his cigarettes with dead presidents and has a hot wife. But he's just a writer like me. No difference, except he's written a million novels, lights his cigarettes with dead presidents and has a hot wife. (My wife's pretty hot too.)
Anyway, I've read a few of his books and they're nothing special so I decided to copy his style and possibly collaborate with him on his novel of the week. This is what it would look like:

 Who Sat Down Beside Her,
 by James Patterson and Me


Chapter 1 –   They met online. After a torrid Ether relationship, they decided to meet in one of those expensive coffee shops. Mildred was a demure librarian, who though quite attractive, wore loose-fitting clothes. He sat across from her and spit chew into his Styrofoam cup. Although he was fat, balding, and wore a trench coat in Toys are Us store aisles, she felt she could trust him. This could be the one.
Chapter 2 –  He bought two cups of mocha latte with whip cream and those little slivers of chocolate that, oh my God, taste so good.  “Enjoy,” the young cashier, who had a nose ring and was so gross that they shouldn’t allow him to work in such a fancy place, said. Mildred stood and their eyes met. He took her cup from her, placed it on the table, and they …
Chapter 3 –   … embraced. She bumped into his belly at first, then slid kind of sideways into him. Then she felt the knife. Her heart sank about three and a half inches.
Chapter 4 –   “So, now you know the truth!” he exclaimed, pulled the knife from his belt, then flashed it in front of the frightened Mildred. Dear God, it was her greatest fear, a serial killer about to kill again. How she knew he was a serial killer and not just a first-time killer was a mystery to her, but regardless, she was cancelling her Facebook account.
Chapter 5 –   He raised the knife to thrust it into her chest.
Chapter 6 –   He brought the knife down to thrust it into her chest. This was when Mildred thanked God she was an orphan raised by Asian parents who taught martial arts. All her father’s wise words at the breakfast table came back to her just as poignant as they had been when she was a toddler. “Feel the power of the tiger, child. Become one with your mind to overcome your foe. Eat your corn flakes or no banana for you!” Mildred leaped in the air and struck the man’s neck with the bony part of her instep.
Chapter 7 –   The antagonist stood, momentarily dazed by the blow. He had that look on his face like the Coyote did after the giant rubber band flung him into the face of the hill instead of the Roadrunner. He collapsed into a heap, the spit cup resting against his side.
Chapter 8 –   Mildred stared at the lifeless corpse (isn’t that redundant?) and was calmed by the handsome detective.
Chapter 9 through chapter 237 –   The usual love story, dramatic climax, etc. yada-yada-yada.
Chapter 238 –  As she walked out hand in hand with Detective Glock, a cold hand grabbed her ankle. She spun, removed the detective’s gun from his holster, and emptied it into the once-thought lifeless corpse. 
Well, there you go. An immediate best seller if I can convince James Patterson to co-write with me.