Despite your negative attitude and barely passable writing you have somehow managed to con both your publishers and your public and now hit the best-seller list every time you release a new book. You have reached that pinnacle of the writing world you’ve strived for since you typed your first double negative on to a blank piece of paper. Everybody loves you. You’re famous. Celebrities mention your books on talk shows. The public adores your continuing character, Deke or Zeke or whatever other masculine name you gave your private eye or rogue cop who never solves cases in the orthodox ways.
Now that you’re a big shot author, how do you act like one?
That’s why I’m here to prepare you for that day of success, how to handle it, and how you should alter your behavior befitting your new status in the writing world. I will guide you step by step through the maze of celebrity. I took Psychology 101 in college and I have a subscription to People so I know my subject.
- · When doing radio interviews to promote your new book you must insist that it be on the morning drive program to reach the largest audience. Have in your repertoire of pat answers, “Well, (name of radio host here) that’s why I’m a best-selling author and you’re a radio DJ.”
- · At book store signings, demand ten percent of all sales of your book that day and all the Barnes and Noble coffee you can drink. Be aware there may be a few in line who will try to sneak a Wal-Mart copy of your book they bought for half price, so you’ll need security to screen the cheap bastards. Here are some typical comments to write above your autograph:
To my biggest fan.
Best of luck.
All the best.
Many warm thanks.
- · Remember at writing conferences, you are there to sell books and make money, not spend it. All your, travel, room and food expenses should be gratis. Try to let your dinner guest pay for the drinks. If they insist you teach a one-hour session to the poor schmucks, make the subject simple enough to keep the technical questions down. Success in Writing is a perennial favorite. After your class, there will be a line of participants waiting to talk to you about their manuscripts. Cut them off after a minute. A fake phone call usually does the trick.
- · Whenever your novels are adapted for a movie, loudly tell the media you hate what they did to your masterpiece, that they didn’t stay true to the book. Stephen King is a good example to follow as The Green Mile, The Shawshank Redemption, The Shining and Misery were all better movies than the books.
Stuart Woods House
- · Once you have ten best sellers in the bag, have co-authors punch out four or five books a year with your name plastered across the cover so the ignorant will think they’re buying your book. Big bucks, little effort.
- · Write a book about writing despite not knowing what a dangling participle is.
- · Demand editors leave in the 500 pages they want to edit out of your latest 1000 page manuscript. You are too important to have any editing on your books now except for punctuation and grammar.
- · In your personal life, divorce your spouse of twenty years after your second successful novel but before your third. This will limit the alimony and settlement so that future mega-bucks coming in from sales afterward will go to you. Then you’ll need to marry someone fifteen years younger than you after a proper prenup. Have a child with this new spouse who you can spoil and dote over while ignoring your children from the previous marriage. This sounds harsh but you have to suck it up if you want continuing success. Then dedicate three books to the new spouse and one to the new kid.
There you have it. Now go forth with the assurance that if you hit the big time you are prepared for chaos that ensues.